I was 2 when my parents got divorced. My mom, sister and I went to live with my grandparents. My grandparents were of German-descent which translates as very stoic. Unfortunately, I wasn't very good at stoic. I was a troublemaker and emotional...I was a kid! Emotions were not to be shown. Self-expression was not encouraged. Anytime I cried, I was sent to the other room until I could get myself together. Perfection was expected.
My mom remarried when I was 5 and a year later my brother was born. My sister and I became ancillary. We were extra kids who were in the way and caused division. God forbid we did anything that would hurt my brother. My step dad's favorite saying was, "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." I was labeled high strung. Expressing anger, frustration or sadness were forbidden. Joy was gone. Fear of messing up was constant. As a teenager, I worked hard to bury my emotions so that I wouldn't hurt. I found solace at church in the youth group, and I'm confident that my faith in God saved my life.
Until very recently, I chastised myself for crying, problem is, I can cry at the drop of a hat! I stayed away from movies or experiences I thought would make me cry. I was embarrassed to cry in public, or even around my family. I have missed close friends' funerals because I was afraid of the emotions. I've kept myself constantly busy so that I didn't think too much; so that the emotions wouldn't rise to the surface. Quiet contemplation couldn't be healthy, could it?
You wouldn't know all of this is going on inside just by looking at me. I've learned to play the part well. But, as I recently learned (from all places, a kids' movie!) that in burying sadness, fear and even anger, I have also lost joy. My emotional control panel is blacked out and not working at all. Hiding how I really feel has caused anxiety, depression and way more stress than anyone should have!
If realization is the first step, then the battle now is allowing myself to feel and not condemn the feelings. Those old voices will always be there, but it's time to stop giving weight to them. Time for the tears and joy to come back and for me to become whole. To dance in the rain and enjoy it!
