Aprilisa Designs: Picture Perfect 31 template


Papers, elements and alphas (some recolored) from the following Aprilisa kits: Better Days Ahead, Begin Again, Summer Flowers, A Grandmother's Love, Dare to Be, Kindness is Free


Journaling: Living my truth. Honestly, it’s not something that I’ve ever done especially well. I’ve spent most of my life living what I thought was my truth, but in reality, it was always someone else’s. I grew up being a people pleaser. I was always the “good girl”, doing pretty much exactly what was expected of me by everyone in my life. I rarely got in trouble at home, and never in school. Honors student. Girl Scout. Band geek. Sunday school teacher. I never smoked (well, there was that one time… but it lasted about 5 minutes and then I was done with that rebellious phase LOL!) I didn’t drink, not even in college (much). I led a pretty sheltered life and had a loving family and awesome friends. I went off to college to pursue my childhood dream of becoming a veterinarian, but gave up on that after the first semester when I realized how difficult it could be to accomplish, and I decided to become a teacher instead. Looking back on it, and knowing what I know now, that was one of the first times that I gave up on myself. I was so used to making everyone happy and having my parents be proud of me that I think I was afraid to take a risk and face possible failure. After all, if I didn’t get into vet school, what would people think? What if it was too hard? What if I wasn’t good enough? I didn’t recognize it at the time, but I took the easy way out. I continued with school and earned my degree in Zoology, then completed a year of student teaching. I planned to stay in New Hampshire and find work, but a job offer brought me home to Maine, which turned out to be a blessing, as my mom lost her battle with cancer the following summer, and I cherished the time that I had with her that year. Life continued on. I taught by day and worked a second job as a McDonald’s shift manager for a few hours a week. I eventually moved in with my dad to help care for him until he went to be with my mom four years later. I bought out my brother and sister and stayed in my parents’ house. Looking back, I sometimes wish I had not done this. A fresh start might have been a better idea, rather than living in a house full of memories and keepsakes… but I was lonely, and the house was a comfort. It was less risky to stay there… again, the easy way out. Shortly after my dad passed, a friend that I was in a bowling league with offered to set me up on a blind date with his nephew. I agreed, having 


had no real luck finding dates on my own. I mean seriously…. I was still a virgin at the age of 28! Crazy, right?I was still that “good girl”, saving myself for “the one”. That blind date resulted in a relationship that evolved pretty rapidly… so much so that within 2 months, Arthur moved into my house. Shocked is a word that could have been used to describe peoples’ reactions, and I can only imagine that I was the talk of many a dinner table conversation. After all this was totally uncharacteristic behavior for a good girl like Lori! Of course at the time, I thought I was in love…. but looking back now, I know that I was not. I was in love with the idea of love, and with the idea of having children, and of course the biological time bomb was ticking. At the age of 30, I wanted a family, and I got it. AJ arrived a year after we married, followed by Noah and Benjamin, each 2 years apart. At that point, I gave up trying for the girl… with my luck, a 4th baby would have been another boy! I was 35 and busy raising my boys and working full time. I was doing just what women are supposed to do, right? I was incredibly happy being a mom, but unfortunately not so much being a wife. Of course, I pretended well, but over the next few years I became increasingly lonely, despite the fact that I was married and living in a house of 5 people. There was something missing for me. I envied people who were clearly in love and was jealous of couples who held hands in public. I don’t remember ever hearing the words “I love you” from my husband in nearly 18 years of marriage…. but of course I didn’t say them either. I couldn’t say them honestly, so I didn’t say them at all.We drifted further apart as we dealt with money issues, clashing parenting styles and a total lack of compatibility. Opposites might attract, but the attraction didn’t last for us. It was at that point that I did something completely out of character for me…. something that I never would have imagined myself doing. I reconnected with a high school friend on Facebook and we became involved in an affair. It wasn’t intentional at first, but it developed from our shared loneliness in our respective marriages. Even writing it now, it doesn’t seem real. How could I have done that? At the time, I thought I was truly in love, but in reality it was really just an attempt on my part to end my marriage. As was my pattern, I was taking the easy way out…. rather than asking for a divorce or even just admitting that I wanted one, I thought that my marriage would be over once my husband found out. The affair lasted a few months until my husband became suspicious and hacked into my email. I will never forget the feeling I had when I knew that he knew…. or when the other man told me that he was going to be trying to work on things with his wife. I was stuck in a loveless marriage and found myself agreeing to counseling even though I already knew that I really didn’t want it. I found individual counseling tremendously helpful, but our joint sessions did little to help, as neither of us did the work we needed to do. Another year passed, and another. Treading water but going nowhere. I wanted a divorce but was afraid to ask for one. I envisioned Arthur going off the deep end if I did ask, and even went so far as to think that he might hurt himself or me if I moved forward with the process. It took a lot of counseling for me to get to a place where I was able to stand up for myself and tell Arthur that I wanted a divorce. I never expected to be in that position. People in my family don’t get divorces. I found myself caught up in thinking about what others would think instead of what was right for my family... which in this case, was for us to go our separate ways. It hasn’t been easy..... because in reality, even when divorce its the right thing, it still sucks. These last few years have been some of the most difficult in my life, but in living them, I have learned to listen to my feelings. I’ve learned that it’s ok for me to ask for help. It’s ok for me to lean on my friends and family when I need someone to talk to. It’s ok for me to see a counselor once a month. It’s ok to be me and live my truth. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to live up to others’ expectations. I have to live up to my own and be the very best version of myself that I can be. I’m getting there.  The hard way.