Please NOTE: journaling contains emotional journaling
For those who do not know me I was not close to my mother. She was mentally ill and an addict.
Journaling Reads:
Mom, this letter will sound harsh to most who read it, but I know you will understand. For after all these years your mind, body and spirit are at peace. I know I don’t even need to say the words as you are looking down on me now and you know everything I’ve ever felt or said. And you now know why. So these words are for me. I forgave you years ago. That however does not mean forget and doesn’t change the life that was stolen from me, Michael and Tami. It doesn’t change the fact that each of us could have been so much more. But I know that you have been sick your entire life. At first mentally and in the past years physically. I know you loved us as much as you could. Your death has not affected me the way it would most and its hard when people give their condolences and say they are sorry for my loss. Because I lost you years ago. The fact that your body gave out was just a side effect. I’ve longed for this day. Many again will take this wrong. While yes, when I was younger I wished you’d die that was out of anger, frustration and pain. The last few years however, I wished for your death for YOU! I wanted so much for you to be at peace. To have a clear mind, healthy body, an unbroken heart, and a whole spirit. You have that today and forever. I’m saddened that it means no chance to make amens and have the relationship I’ve longed for, but I’m not a fool either, that was never going to happen while you were alive. I was not there to say goodbye, but leave it to you to make sure I knew, that you knew I loved you and that it was all okay. I wish I could say all the things that most people do when a parent passes on. Thank God, you get it and that is all that matters. I wish I could have just 5 minutes with the new you. The one that God has cleansed, made whole and happy. Not for me but because I would so love to see the beautiful loving woman you were beneath the drugs, the sickness, your own abuses, and pain. I’d love to see you smile just once. A real genuine smile that comes deep from a soul that is whole for the first time. I know one day we’ll meet again and you’ll hold me in your arms the way you always wanted. Until then all that is left to say is goodbye...and truly Rest in Peace. 11-10-2011
Kits Used: Silent as We Speak by Feli & My Soul to Take by Sarah Barber
