Credits: Things Happen Revisited by Craft-tastrofic Designs, Gloomy Days byMagical Scraps Galore and pieces from I'm A Mess by Luv Ewe Designs, Give Thanks by Pixelily Designs and Aprilisa Designs, Pumpkin Everything by Aprilisa Designs, & Cattitude by Connie Prince


Journaling:
Most Thankful For
1. A Great Therapist
2. My People
3. Incredibly Caring Visiting Doctor
4. My Empathy Cat
5. Pumpkin Spice Season


Side
To an optimist, clinically depressed is hard to deal with and it comes with a strong drive to get out of it. In 2012 I started feeling it but it was November 2013 before I figured out it might be what actual depression feels like and sought help.
Now, as much as I fought it, in 2021 the feeling is back and I can't make it go away. It's a dark feeling inside, like a giant black cloud. I can smile, say a positive thing and even laugh but right now it's a lie because I don't feel any joy on the inside.
I've been saying, and sadly I believe it's true for me, 2021 makes me miss 2020. I haven't had a regular home health aide since May. That means that there's nobody who's been in to keep me cleaned properly, comb my hair, get my laundry done and clothes in order. My legs aren't getting their regular exercise and hurt all the time and I feel gross and dirty. My YouTube vlog, which gave me so much joy and purpose when I was doing it, is suspended indefinitely. There's no one to keep me clean and get me dressed and ready to record. I think when I had to give that up that's when the depression sunk in. My therapist agrees that I need to start doing my show again before the depression is going to go away. But right now I need to have cleaners come in to get the area where I live in some some semblance of order so that my clothing and jewelry can be located so I can tape again. My medical supplies are also disheveled and having no idea where anything is I can't even tell nurses where any of my supplies are when they come in to the house to help me.
Regular home health aides are very difficult to find right now, probably because they are terribly overworked and underpaid. I have a few leads, but I've got to get the house cleaned first. Medication from a UTI that I'm not quite over is one of the things standing in my way and the depression in general which some days makes it difficult for me to do anything.



Bottom
But there are some things that help and for which I am incredibly grateful and helping me get through this.
I have a wonderful therapist who listens and offers suggestions that could prompt me to find answers. My dad calls me every day to check up on me. At least once a week I hear from my brother and sister-in-law. I have two very close friends in Michigan who text or call at least once or twice every week just to see how I'm doing. My doctor visits every 2 weeks to refill my I pill organizers and check in on my progress with my depression. She is also passing along any information she can find that can help me with my home aide crisis. I have my cats, especially Marco my empathy cat since he was a kitten who spends most of his days on my legs or the armrest of my chair cuddled next to me. Pumpkin spice season (until the last dessert dish from Thanksgiving has been cleaned) and my cousin in Arizona and I traded PS care packages like we usually do.
On most days, that gives me hope and it keeps me fighting a demon I'm feeling inside. For that, I couldn't be more grateful.